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Archive for August 31st, 2007

Hollywood’s Ten Worst Scientists

The representation of science in film has never been a balanced affair. Right from the outset, Fritz Lang’s Metropolis cast Rudolf Klein-Rogge as the wild-haired scientist Rotwang, setting the archetype for the next 80 years. Since then, scientists in film have fallen into two broad categories - the eccentric yet brilliant old man, and the sexy nymph whose credentials are little more than window dressing on 98lbs of eye candy.

Now, I know the movies aren’t the place to go if you want reality. But the following culprits are guilty of stretching credibility thinner than than Paris Hilton’s resumé. These are the characters who don’t demand suspension of disbelief so much as a permanent revocation of it, a total regression to infant naïveté, waiting to be spoonfed a purée of techno-jargon and labcoats. To the following: I salute you, for having the gall to call this characterisation.

	*C. A. Rotwang, Metropolis* (Rudolf Klein-Rogge)** This was the man who started it all. The hair, the attitude, the lab filled with unnecessary electrical equipment. Up to this day, actors pay tribute to Klein-Rogge by indulging in all the same stereotypes he did.
	*Sue Storm, Fantastic Four* (Jessica Alba)** Stunning, yes, but when it comes to acting skills, Alba is barely convincing as a human being, let alone a chief geneticist. Are we to supposed believe that the Early Learning Centre is selling PhDs now?
	*Jeff Goldblum, Various* (Jeff Goldblum)** Shot to fame in 1984 playing brilliant yet enigmatic scientist Seth Brundle who ends up turning himself into a fly. Reprised the role of brilliant yet enigmatic scientist in Powder. And again Jurassic Park. And again Independence Day. And again in Cats & Dogs. Responsible for a generation of children growing up believing all scientists were all lanky giants with the dress sense of Johnny Cash. And anyway, what the hell is a chaotician doing at Jurassic Park?
	*Bruce Banner, Hulk* (Eric Bana)** Somewhat impossibly, Eric Bana created a movie scientist who is even more tedious to watch than actual lab work. Kids, science isn’t as fun as the movies - but it’s nowhere near this boring.
	*Dr Brackish Okun, Independence Day* (Brent Spiner)** Lab coat? Check. Big glassess? Check. Unkempt hair? Check. Ugly? Check. Poor social skills? Check. Brent Spiner doesn’t stumble into common pitfalls so much as leap into them with enthusiasm. Perhaps it was all those years playing a deadpan android that left him with a huge reservoir of emotion to overact with. Thankfully dealt a swift death.
	*Rockhound, Armageddon* (Steve Buscemi)** Technically, he plays a driller. But he’s also shown to be a super-genius during the film. Which means he’s naturally also the one to go mad with “space dementia”. Genius = Lunacy. Hooked up with underage girls and strippers, so breaks the mould somewhat.
	*Dr Christmas Jones, GoldenEye* (Denise Richards)** She’s a scientist. But she’s actually really hot! Wow, are we breaking down paradigms here or what? Notably performs absolutely no science whatsoever during the film. Besides, no-one who could even spell “venereal disease” would sleep with James Bond.
	*Dr Emmett Brown, Back to the Future* (Christopher Lloyd)** Another graduate from the Klein-Rogge school of acting, Brown has the hair, the labcoat, the distracted demeanour. Reinforces the “lone genius” stereotype by inventing time travel in his garage. Names his dog Einstein, which shows you where he thinks of himself in the pecking order of science greats.
	*Professor Charles Xavier, X-Men* (Patrick Stewart)** Fabulously wealthy psychic (those premium rate call lines are doing great business) who builds a school and appoints himself as the only professor on the board. Trains child soldiers in preparation for induction into a paramilitary organisation. And he’s supposed to be the hero?
	*Dr Alex Hesse, Junior* (Arnold Schwarzenegger)** So you have a new fertility drug, which bizarrely already has a commercial name, Expectane. Your research grant is denied, so you decide to contravene safe procedure, ethical behaviour and common sense by implanting an embryo into yourself. Then, despite the very likely chance that the child will be some kind of malformed freak (after all, Arnie is the dad) you carry it to full term. Umm, no.