Hollywood’s Ten Worst Scientists
August 31st, 2007
The representation of science in film has never been a balanced affair. Right from the outset, Fritz Lang’s Metropolis cast Rudolf Klein-Rogge as the wild-haired scientist Rotwang, setting the archetype for the next 80 years. Since then, scientists in film have fallen into two broad categories - the eccentric yet brilliant old man, and the sexy nymph whose credentials are little more than window dressing on 98lbs of eye candy.
Now, I know the movies aren’t the place to go if you want reality. But the following culprits are guilty of stretching credibility thinner than than Paris Hilton’s resumé. These are the characters who don’t demand suspension of disbelief so much as a permanent revocation of it, a total regression to infant naïveté, waiting to be spoonfed a purée of techno-jargon and labcoats. To the following: I salute you, for having the gall to call this characterisation.
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C. A. Rotwang, Metropolis (Rudolf Klein-Rogge) This was the man who started it all. The hair, the attitude, the lab filled with unnecessary electrical equipment. Up to this day, actors pay tribute to Klein-Rogge by indulging in all the same stereotypes he did. |
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Sue Storm, Fantastic Four (Jessica Alba) Stunning, yes, but when it comes to acting skills, Alba is barely convincing as a human being, let alone a chief geneticist. Are we to supposed believe that the Early Learning Centre is selling PhDs now? |
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Jeff Goldblum, Various (Jeff Goldblum) Shot to fame in 1984 playing brilliant yet enigmatic scientist Seth Brundle who ends up turning himself into a fly. Reprised the role of brilliant yet enigmatic scientist in Powder. And again Jurassic Park. And again Independence Day. And again in Cats & Dogs. Responsible for a generation of children growing up believing all scientists were all lanky giants with the dress sense of Johnny Cash. And anyway, what the hell is a chaotician doing at Jurassic Park? |
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Bruce Banner, Hulk (Eric Bana) Somewhat impossibly, Eric Bana created a movie scientist who is even more tedious to watch than actual lab work. Kids, science isn’t as fun as the movies - but it’s nowhere near this boring. |
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Dr Brackish Okun, Independence Day (Brent Spiner) Lab coat? Check. Big glassess? Check. Unkempt hair? Check. Ugly? Check. Poor social skills? Check. Brent Spiner doesn’t stumble into common pitfalls so much as leap into them with enthusiasm. Perhaps it was all those years playing a deadpan android that left him with a huge reservoir of emotion to overact with. Thankfully dealt a swift death. |
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Rockhound, Armageddon (Steve Buscemi) Technically, he plays a driller. But he’s also shown to be a super-genius during the film. Which means he’s naturally also the one to go mad with “space dementia”. Genius = Lunacy. Hooked up with underage girls and strippers, so breaks the mould somewhat. |
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Dr Christmas Jones, GoldenEye (Denise Richards) She’s a scientist. But she’s actually really hot! Wow, are we breaking down paradigms here or what? Notably performs absolutely no science whatsoever during the film. Besides, no-one who could even spell “venereal disease” would sleep with James Bond. |
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Dr Emmett Brown, Back to the Future (Christopher Lloyd) Another graduate from the Klein-Rogge school of acting, Brown has the hair, the labcoat, the distracted demeanour. Reinforces the “lone genius” stereotype by inventing time travel in his garage. Names his dog Einstein, which shows you where he thinks of himself in the pecking order of science greats. |
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Professor Charles Xavier, X-Men (Patrick Stewart) Fabulously wealthy psychic (those premium rate call lines are doing great business) who builds a school and appoints himself as the only professor on the board. Trains child soldiers in preparation for induction into a paramilitary organisation. And he’s supposed to be the hero? |
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Dr Alex Hesse, Junior (Arnold Schwarzenegger) So you have a new fertility drug, which bizarrely already has a commercial name, Expectane. Your research grant is denied, so you decide to contravene safe procedure, ethical behaviour and common sense by implanting an embryo into yourself. Then, despite the very likely chance that the child will be some kind of malformed freak (after all, Arnie is the dad) you carry it to full term. Umm, no. |
Just to show I’m not a miserable pedant, Hollywood’s Ten Awesomest Scientists is on its way.
Entry Filed under: General
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8 Comments Add your own
1. Ian | August 31st, 2007 at 3:39 pm
Caratacus Potts didn’t make the cut then. His dog was called Edison…
2. coracle | August 31st, 2007 at 4:04 pm
Looking forward to the top 10, I’m struggling to think of one good hollywood scientist…
3. Ithika | August 31st, 2007 at 4:42 pm
I’m struggling quite a bit as well. Gil Grissom is a good contender if you want to widen your search parameters to glossy network television. Still, as my girlfriend never fails to point out, their lab technique is shoddy as hell on CSI.
I hesitate to utter the words, “Dr Hans Zarkoff, formerly of NASA…”. ;-)
4. the mookster | September 3rd, 2007 at 12:04 pm
Best Scientist nominee: Nikola Tesla, The Prestige (David Bowie). Designs a contraption that not only clones fine top hats (the traditional gent’s most costly accessory), but also allows Hugh Jackman to kill himslef time and again, which in turn leads to the ultimate demise of Christian Bale. That’s one fine machine! Bonus points for actually being based on one of the real world’s greatest scientists of all time.
5. coracle | September 4th, 2007 at 6:40 pm
Thinking about it, since the book Enigma I’ve had a fondness for the character of Tom Jericho (imdb: Enigma). Even if it is something of a ‘brilliant, but socially awkward’ cliche.
Do mathematicians count?
6. Ithika | September 5th, 2007 at 9:36 am
“Do mathematicians count?”
LOL!
7. coracle | September 6th, 2007 at 9:45 pm
Ah, well Jeff Goldblum is up there so I guess so.
Was that overly harsh re mathematicians, or was I being thick?
8. Frank the SciencePunk | September 7th, 2007 at 9:48 am
SciencePunk always welcomes overly harsh criticism, especially when it’s funny.
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